Subject: Tonight's Lesson: Paraprosdokian A paraprosdokian (from Greek "παρα-", meaning "beyond" and "προσδοκία", meaning "expectation") is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists. Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but also play on the double meaning of a particular word, creating a syllepsis.
1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
3. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
4. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
5. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
6. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
7. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
8. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
9. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
10. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
11. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
12. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
13. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
14. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
15. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
16. Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
17. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
18. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
19. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
20. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
21. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
22. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
23. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
24. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
25. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
26. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
27. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
28. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
29. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
30. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
31. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
32. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
33. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
34. I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
35. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
36. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
37. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
38. I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
39. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
40. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
41. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
42. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
43. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
44. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
45. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
46. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Too good to pass up! Paraprosdokia
Saturday, December 27, 2008
The Third Day of Christmas
On the 3rd Day of Christmas
Nearly three weeks since surgery. We have been snowed in and iced in: have celebrated a quiet, unique Christmas, and have bravely--if tentatively--attempted new tasks such as going into the garage (so that I could travel outside without the need for the medical transport.) Today I may even go up the stairs!
Sometimes Jerry and I look like Frick and Frack, two folks trying to do normal things from a sort of abnormal position. Yesterday I fell off my scooter--no big deal since I only fell about 18 inches onto my right knee. You should have seen us trying to get me up. Suddenly I realised all I had to do was put my weight on my left foot and get up--simple as pie! That's what convinces me I can go up stairs: as long as there is a chair at the top for me to land on and launch from, I should be OK.
The commode has been moved into the bathroom. That means a lot, believe me.
Susan will come for supper tonight. It will be our Christmas supper. She went to San Jose to visit Lisa last weekend and her return home was delayed til Christmas night. Late! Jerry gave her the Trooper (with its 4-wheel drive) to get home--she needed it! Thus we were even more stranded yesterday. But the weather has changed; the snow is melting and the Court is clearing for driving. Things are slowly getting back to normal.
But it is NOT normal for us to be confined to this house. Jerry has gone out (to get the mail, change the hummingbird feeder, shovel the front path) but there has been no driving because of the ice and snow--and the fact that on Christmas just about everything was closed! We've spent the time quietly reading, doing a puzzle (thanks to Joanna, my neighbor), inspecting the Garmin Nuvis we each gave the other for Christmas (imagine that: two old folks each giving the other a means of getting directions so we can know where to go!!)
I've spent some time thinking about Bethlehem and the Nativity and how things went on the first Christmas. When we were there (just four weeks ago!) the guides spent a lot of time talking about the veracity of the traditional sites of the manger, the barn, etc. But I figure that, for the most part, Jesus was pretty much an unknown. Folks likely didn't know his family all that well (since Joseph had left Bethlehem to practice his trade somewhere else, like Nazareth) So the likelihood of his birthplace REALLY being remembered after even thirty or forty years let alone a couple of centuries is pretty low. I can go along with what is known as the "Traditional Site" but I also realized that the site is not as important as the fact. ANYWHERE in Bethlehem is good enough for me. . .so long as I can stand in that tiny city and say my Savior was born here!
I saw the TV shots from the Church of the Nativity at Christmas. Of course it was crowded and rightly so. Interestingly, there are three churches which use it but each church celebrates Christmas on a different day! Nevertheless, each service is full--just as when I was there there was a Patriarch coming so folks had filled the Church; there were lines of school children (all in their school uniforms!) come to pay honor to the Cardinal. It made for an impressive sight! But it also meant for crowds so we didn't see the traditional birthplace. Ah, well. Like I said above, I really didn't need to. And I wonder if I could have ambulated and stooped down to see!
Nearly three weeks since surgery. We have been snowed in and iced in: have celebrated a quiet, unique Christmas, and have bravely--if tentatively--attempted new tasks such as going into the garage (so that I could travel outside without the need for the medical transport.) Today I may even go up the stairs!
Sometimes Jerry and I look like Frick and Frack, two folks trying to do normal things from a sort of abnormal position. Yesterday I fell off my scooter--no big deal since I only fell about 18 inches onto my right knee. You should have seen us trying to get me up. Suddenly I realised all I had to do was put my weight on my left foot and get up--simple as pie! That's what convinces me I can go up stairs: as long as there is a chair at the top for me to land on and launch from, I should be OK.
The commode has been moved into the bathroom. That means a lot, believe me.
Susan will come for supper tonight. It will be our Christmas supper. She went to San Jose to visit Lisa last weekend and her return home was delayed til Christmas night. Late! Jerry gave her the Trooper (with its 4-wheel drive) to get home--she needed it! Thus we were even more stranded yesterday. But the weather has changed; the snow is melting and the Court is clearing for driving. Things are slowly getting back to normal.
But it is NOT normal for us to be confined to this house. Jerry has gone out (to get the mail, change the hummingbird feeder, shovel the front path) but there has been no driving because of the ice and snow--and the fact that on Christmas just about everything was closed! We've spent the time quietly reading, doing a puzzle (thanks to Joanna, my neighbor), inspecting the Garmin Nuvis we each gave the other for Christmas (imagine that: two old folks each giving the other a means of getting directions so we can know where to go!!)
I've spent some time thinking about Bethlehem and the Nativity and how things went on the first Christmas. When we were there (just four weeks ago!) the guides spent a lot of time talking about the veracity of the traditional sites of the manger, the barn, etc. But I figure that, for the most part, Jesus was pretty much an unknown. Folks likely didn't know his family all that well (since Joseph had left Bethlehem to practice his trade somewhere else, like Nazareth) So the likelihood of his birthplace REALLY being remembered after even thirty or forty years let alone a couple of centuries is pretty low. I can go along with what is known as the "Traditional Site" but I also realized that the site is not as important as the fact. ANYWHERE in Bethlehem is good enough for me. . .so long as I can stand in that tiny city and say my Savior was born here!
I saw the TV shots from the Church of the Nativity at Christmas. Of course it was crowded and rightly so. Interestingly, there are three churches which use it but each church celebrates Christmas on a different day! Nevertheless, each service is full--just as when I was there there was a Patriarch coming so folks had filled the Church; there were lines of school children (all in their school uniforms!) come to pay honor to the Cardinal. It made for an impressive sight! But it also meant for crowds so we didn't see the traditional birthplace. Ah, well. Like I said above, I really didn't need to. And I wonder if I could have ambulated and stooped down to see!
Friday, December 19, 2008
One Week and Counting
It has been one week since I was transported home from St. Vincent's. This has been an experience worth commenting on to be sure. Moreover, I have at least three more weeks of the same to look forward to--three weeks including Christmas and New Years. Rah!
Day by day not much changes. Jerry is great about bringing me the paper and my morning orange juice. I have been dressing--I think that is helpful in bringing a certain amount of normalcy to this routine. Today I actually sat at the kitchen table for brunch (left-over Michigan macaroni. Yum!) The PT who came on Wednesday suggested I get up and move around on my scooter.
Today I actually entertained a couple of friends in the living room. That's what moving around on my scooter means! It was nice to sit in a real chair rather than on the bed or the Lazy Boy!
All of this is meant to point out that, even though I am still pretty limited, I can get around and do a few things, more and more every day. I am really grateful for this situation--inconvenience and all! When I was in Israel we walked--MARCHED!!--everywhere. It was painful to say the least. And I was well aware that, had I been alive in Jesus' time, I would have had to walk with all that pain ALL THE TIME, or not walk at all. OR, I could have sought out Jesus and asked him to touch me and heal me. But that would have been only if I had been in the same place at the same time as he was. Honestly, I felt the hopelessness that folks must feel whe
n they found they were crippled or otherwise handicapped. I can remember thinking how fortunate I was to be able to anticipate going home and having this surgery. God's timing is pretty good after all (Jeremiah 29:11)!
So I hop around here or flop into a chair and elevate my leg (to remind me not to put any weight on it.) And I thank God for the surgeons and the cast technician (who put a racy "cast cap" on my toes) and Jerry and his loving care. I am blessed. And then someone calls to tell me she is thinking about me and praying for me and I am blessed even more!
Day by day not much changes. Jerry is great about bringing me the paper and my morning orange juice. I have been dressing--I think that is helpful in bringing a certain amount of normalcy to this routine. Today I actually sat at the kitchen table for brunch (left-over Michigan macaroni. Yum!) The PT who came on Wednesday suggested I get up and move around on my scooter.
Today I actually entertained a couple of friends in the living room. That's what moving around on my scooter means! It was nice to sit in a real chair rather than on the bed or the Lazy Boy!
All of this is meant to point out that, even though I am still pretty limited, I can get around and do a few things, more and more every day. I am really grateful for this situation--inconvenience and all! When I was in Israel we walked--MARCHED!!--everywhere. It was painful to say the least. And I was well aware that, had I been alive in Jesus' time, I would have had to walk with all that pain ALL THE TIME, or not walk at all. OR, I could have sought out Jesus and asked him to touch me and heal me. But that would have been only if I had been in the same place at the same time as he was. Honestly, I felt the hopelessness that folks must feel whe
n they found they were crippled or otherwise handicapped. I can remember thinking how fortunate I was to be able to anticipate going home and having this surgery. God's timing is pretty good after all (Jeremiah 29:11)!So I hop around here or flop into a chair and elevate my leg (to remind me not to put any weight on it.) And I thank God for the surgeons and the cast technician (who put a racy "cast cap" on my toes) and Jerry and his loving care. I am blessed. And then someone calls to tell me she is thinking about me and praying for me and I am blessed even more!
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Two weeks ago I was in Israel on a tour I'd dreamed of for years and planned for starting last February. I went before this operation because I knew my rehab would require up to several months. For sure I would be minimal weight bearing for several weeks and then, depending on how fast I healed, it would be months before I could travel extensively. My doctor had a baby in June and we couldn't schedule me before then. Which meant travel in November, surgery in December.
We left for Israel on November 20th, returned home on the 30th. That gave me a full 8 days in country. We "marched" everywhere! Well, maybe we didn''t march but we walked. A lot. We spent the first three days in the Galilee--northern Israel. It is green and hilly and quite beautiful and really my favorite part of the country. We traveled to Caeserea on the Coast where we started the tour in an ancient Roman out-door theater. Just as we began with "Holy, Holy. Holy" the heavens opened up and it POURED! What a way to start a trip! Fortunately I had my Columbia Sportswear rainjacket so was dry from the top of my head to my hips!
We thought we might be dry in the tunnels but found that the rain was coming down so hard that they were flooding! It made for instant bonding!
We spent the rest of that day drying off in Acco/Akre and Cana and then back to Tiberius to our hotel and supper. Our days were often long--we usually stopped for lunch for about an hour (falafel!) midway through and had worship and supper at about 6:30. Remember, Israel is above the Equator so they, too, are anticipating winter complete with early sundowns. That affected Sabbeth time.
My favorite spot was Ceasarea Philippi (see above left), the spot where Jesus asks who folks say he is, then asks Peter who he says Jesus is. It is a beautiful spot on a cliffside which had been used for altars to a variety of Hellenistic gods and goddesses. I could picture Jesus and Peter and James and John strolling in the cool of the glades, a waterfall which is one source of the Jordon. They were there to relax and in this beautiful place Peter makes his confession of faith. It affirmed my faith: I stood there and said the same thing: You, Lord, are the Christ, the Son of the Living God.
That's about all I can do these days, affirm the Jesus is Lord and that He knows what is best for me. Tomorrow I go to the doctor to see how this ankle is healing. It feels fine so I expect the best. Of course, tomorrow we may have so much snow that I can't keep the appointment! We'll see!
Nine days ago I underwent an ankle replacement. The surgery itself was "unremarkable" in that it went well, resulted in relatively little pain, and should produce an excellent result--in several weeks.
But the rehab period is something else! This quilter mom is on bed rest with her right foot elevated above her heart (nose to toes). Moreover, there is to be NO weight bearing on that right foot for the next several weeks.
BUMMER!
Well, it is really not THAT bad. I can use my knee scooter to get me to the family room where I eat the meal Jerry prepares for me and watch TV--"Jeopardy" and the News. But there is a lot of learning and reflection time here!
For the next several days I plan to use this spot to "ruminate" and reflect on this experience. For now I am going to post this and check my e-mai. You see, I am ensconced in the library on one of the bunk beds. I have my lap top here with me as well as a great many other pieces of "stuff" to ease my time. I am sure that by the end of this "rehab" I will have constructed quite a cozy little nest--the operative words are little and nest!
I will sign off now, consider that I now have access to it (that in itself is a story!) and come back later--maybe even with a picture!
But the rehab period is something else! This quilter mom is on bed rest with her right foot elevated above her heart (nose to toes). Moreover, there is to be NO weight bearing on that right foot for the next several weeks.
BUMMER!
Well, it is really not THAT bad. I can use my knee scooter to get me to the family room where I eat the meal Jerry prepares for me and watch TV--"Jeopardy" and the News. But there is a lot of learning and reflection time here!
For the next several days I plan to use this spot to "ruminate" and reflect on this experience. For now I am going to post this and check my e-mai. You see, I am ensconced in the library on one of the bunk beds. I have my lap top here with me as well as a great many other pieces of "stuff" to ease my time. I am sure that by the end of this "rehab" I will have constructed quite a cozy little nest--the operative words are little and nest!
I will sign off now, consider that I now have access to it (that in itself is a story!) and come back later--maybe even with a picture!
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
God's Wisdom
Election Day, 2008
It is long before 8 a.m. so there should be no report of election returns yet. But of course, CBS News "called" the election last night on the Evening News: Obama in a landslide.
So much for Campaign 2008!
I have been thinking about this day for several weeks. To be sure, I voted two weeks ago. There is nothing more I personally could do to change the outcome of this election on the national level. (Oh, sure, my post about Obama and the abortion issue was a small attempt. But I am not foolish enough to believe it changed a single vote. Some of the responses I got called me heartless when all I considered was a few "unwanted babies" and not the starving millions in Africa or the killed innocents, victims of war in Iraq. I pray for those who wrote thus!)
More importantly I have been thinking about why God would allow a person to be elected president who would lead this nation so far to the left. I guess I am resigned to the fact that Obama will win this election. And so I wonder what God has in mind for the United States of America. And that took me to consideration of God's part in the Passover and the death in Egypt of the firstborn son of every--EVERY--Egyptian from the Pharaoh on down to the prisoner in the dungeon and the firstborn of all the Egyptian cattle. What a distruction of human life and lives of the livestock! Surely that left Egypt with a great hole in their leadership! What was God thinking? Why? I considered the firstborn males in my family: my own husband, my son-in-law, my first grandson. It said a great cry rose up from every house in Egypt. Well I would think so!
But WHY would God do that? I mean, after all, He could have killed just a dozen firstborn and accomplished the same thing, right? What did God have in mind? As a typical rational western thinker, I have to ask again "WHY?"
God Himself answers me throughout Exodus. Whenever Moses or the other Israelites ask these questions, God replies with a simple answer: "I am the Lord. Beside me there is no other." What this tells me is that God is in charge. God knows the End from the Beginning. He knows WHY He does WHAT He does. In short, He knows the big picture, far beyond what I or any other reasonable person can even begin to see.
My husband tries to reassure me: The Republic will survive. He has a better grasp of the wisdom of God than I do! I will simply have to depend on God's faithfulness and soveriegnty and His ability to know the future beyond this evening--yea, even beyond this year or this decade! And it follows for me to depend on that faithfulness to carry us all--the Republic--through the next several years. We will still be a Country bound by the Consititution and Checks and Balances in the Federal government. Though we may see more liberal supreme court judges, we still have a people with a voice. Since I am part of that voice, I will continue to write and think and reflect while I sew those darn star blocks and finish up the Christmas stockings. (Of course all that plus go to Israel in two weeks and have ankle surgery in five!)
It is long before 8 a.m. so there should be no report of election returns yet. But of course, CBS News "called" the election last night on the Evening News: Obama in a landslide.
So much for Campaign 2008!
I have been thinking about this day for several weeks. To be sure, I voted two weeks ago. There is nothing more I personally could do to change the outcome of this election on the national level. (Oh, sure, my post about Obama and the abortion issue was a small attempt. But I am not foolish enough to believe it changed a single vote. Some of the responses I got called me heartless when all I considered was a few "unwanted babies" and not the starving millions in Africa or the killed innocents, victims of war in Iraq. I pray for those who wrote thus!)
More importantly I have been thinking about why God would allow a person to be elected president who would lead this nation so far to the left. I guess I am resigned to the fact that Obama will win this election. And so I wonder what God has in mind for the United States of America. And that took me to consideration of God's part in the Passover and the death in Egypt of the firstborn son of every--EVERY--Egyptian from the Pharaoh on down to the prisoner in the dungeon and the firstborn of all the Egyptian cattle. What a distruction of human life and lives of the livestock! Surely that left Egypt with a great hole in their leadership! What was God thinking? Why? I considered the firstborn males in my family: my own husband, my son-in-law, my first grandson. It said a great cry rose up from every house in Egypt. Well I would think so!
But WHY would God do that? I mean, after all, He could have killed just a dozen firstborn and accomplished the same thing, right? What did God have in mind? As a typical rational western thinker, I have to ask again "WHY?"
God Himself answers me throughout Exodus. Whenever Moses or the other Israelites ask these questions, God replies with a simple answer: "I am the Lord. Beside me there is no other." What this tells me is that God is in charge. God knows the End from the Beginning. He knows WHY He does WHAT He does. In short, He knows the big picture, far beyond what I or any other reasonable person can even begin to see.
My husband tries to reassure me: The Republic will survive. He has a better grasp of the wisdom of God than I do! I will simply have to depend on God's faithfulness and soveriegnty and His ability to know the future beyond this evening--yea, even beyond this year or this decade! And it follows for me to depend on that faithfulness to carry us all--the Republic--through the next several years. We will still be a Country bound by the Consititution and Checks and Balances in the Federal government. Though we may see more liberal supreme court judges, we still have a people with a voice. Since I am part of that voice, I will continue to write and think and reflect while I sew those darn star blocks and finish up the Christmas stockings. (Of course all that plus go to Israel in two weeks and have ankle surgery in five!)
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